(Published here with the author's imprimatur)
Argh! Knock it off! Knock it off!
No, I will not taste any of your bizarre disgusting culinary creations! Heaven only knows what manner of bizarre, unnatural experiments you've been conducting to produce these unearthly abominations. I don't care if you created these using cutting edge gene-splicing or Green Dye #9; I refuse to partake of these sick, twisted verdant pork or poultry products.
These foods that you're shilling, they are truly reprehensible. They should never be eaten by anyone sensible. Their bizarre pigmentation is utterly vile, and to take even a bite... that's just not my style.
I will not consume them for my lunch. I will not have them over brunch. I will not partake of them in my car. I will not have them in a bar. I will not try them on a lark. I will not try them in the park.
I refuse to taste them. I refuse to partake. Don't ever you try; it would be a mistake.
They're simply unnatural, these ovoids, this pork. They should never be touched with knife or with fork. I shall never consume them, so don't waste your time. Never ask me again, not even in rhyme.
And don't even get me started on feline millinery.
bravenet.com